Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else wake up in a hotel room....with farm animals...If so, I could use some advice...and maybe a ride...and apparently some clothes too...some holy water wouldn't hurt either,,,,

   Who would have thought the Detroit Lions would have played the best football in the state of Michigan this weekend?

   I hate that sinking feeling you get after reading or hearing something you wish you hadn't.

   I'm a man of tradition, but My girl has convinced me it's time to stop celebrating, and time to take down the decorations. I suppose she's right. It's been a few months since her mum's funeral.

   Went to the doctors today, he said ive got John McEnroe syndrome... I said..YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS !!!

   n't making any New Year's resolutions. I'm still working on the ones from 2003.

   somehow misplaced his copy of 'Organization for Dummies.'

   You know the times where you're laying on your back looking at your phone by lifting it in the air but lose your grip and hit yourself in the face?

   behind every successful woman there is a satisfied man but behind a satified woman there is an exhausted man

   The gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately the line at Dunkin Donuts was shorter than usual. I love New Year's resolutions...

   Warning Labels are ruining process of elimination

   This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.

   the electronic sign said to call 911 if we see drunk drivers, isnt it against the law to use your phone in the car ?

   courtesy just isn't that common anymore. That and decent customer service.

   there a Monday's for dummies ?? I really need it

   I think the best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   Dear Government, disco died, please update your hold music.

   Dear end slices of bread, I hate you!

   wondering what's the appropriate amount of time to wait, before it's okay to punch somebody for saying "Happy New Year"...apparently I started too soon...

   once took a piss into the gas tank of a freight truck as a joke. That freight truck is now known as optimis prime