Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm gonna have to go ahead and agree with my body on this one.....I shouldn't have drank that......

   "Sometimes the unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's just a donkey with a plunger on its face."

   Yes Officer, I do know why you pulled me over. To single-handedly destroy any chance I had of accomplishing my New Years Resolution goal of becoming a Saint before the sun even came up this morning.

   Just think, next year at this time I will be able to say Happy 2012, but with an evil grin on my face,

   I can't believe I wasn't paying attention at 1:11 on 1/1/11. Argh. I waited all my life for that to happen. Darn, darn, darn it. 2:22 on 2/2/22 just won't be the same.

   getting his eraser ready for two weeks of me putting 2010 on all my papers.

   I was on snookies facebook and poked her. Now I need to get my facebook checked for herpes.

   Have you ever read a book or watched a film that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   ‎2011 is the sum of 11 consecutive prime numbers: 157 + 163 + 167 + 173 + 179 + 181 + 191 + 193 + 197 + 199 + 211 = 2011

   With Oprah leaving TV, the sales of big screen TV's is sure to drop.

   "Cheating" is such a harsh word. I prefer "Monogamously Challenged".

   A friend of mine inserted an wanted ad in the Craigslist: It said "Wife wanted". Next day he said that he received a hundred replies. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

   My wife and I have an agreement...I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run my life.

   Evryone wants others to understand their feelings. But no one wants to understand what othrs feel

   pretty sure I can beat just about anyone up, I've seen the karate kid atleast 30 times

   Camera phones are an amazing invention for the convulsively bored

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."

   Will Facebook for money.

   Lil' help ladies...If a woman says she'd rather go home and fart in a shoe box, is that "code" for something?