Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woken up with a few.

   There are two things I cannot stand: racism and asians

   Fubu shirt- $100 ; Rocca Wear sweatshirt- $80 ; Sean John hat- $50 ; Realizing you're white... Priceless.

   When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves

   Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

   says it just isn't fair there are children starving in Africa, And I wake up looking this good.

   High on life and also a tiny bit of paint.

   I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.

   Fruitcakes are like kids. Eighteen years later they're often still found just sitting around your house.

   wondering where Noah kept the woodpeckers on the ark

   Facebook will soon become the world's leading source of unwanted information about people's New Year's resolutions.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   Being single doesn't mean your weak, it means you're strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve.

   Lefties can argue all they want that they are better than people who use their right hand, but I know for a fact that the right leg is more important than the left. How many people use their left leg when they drive an automatic car?

   Most people have fears of spiders, snakes, heights, clowns, etc. But I'm mainly scared of diseases. Expecially that one you get from marriage, Onegina...

   Hi google earth, please update location 4.025639 ,- 39.423074, I am in a cool yacht posing naked

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.

   Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school–uphill–both ways.

   making a New Years resolution to not make a New Years resolution.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.