Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since the snow stopped i've been skiing to work :-)

   I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs

   I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs

   I am 100% certain that Band Camp enrollment went up by a third after the movie American Pie! Thanks Stiffler!!

   82 notifications later and I regret liking your status. :|

   Word of advice, Saying "Nice Hand" at an amputee poker fund raiser is NOT a good idea!

   Dear young Americans, (age group 18-25) please continue to post pictures of you partying and drinking, (some of you underage). It will make it easier for a future employer to decide whether to hire you or not

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

   took a bucket of Legos to Lowes and asked the cute manager "Let's build something together" that's when I got thrown out of Lowe's.

   Non-Alcoholic beer. It's like going down on your cousin. Tastes the same but just not right.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other for silly reasons !!!... :P :D

   See, you think I give a sh@t.. Wrong! In fact, while you talk,I'm thinking; How can I give less of a sh@t?that's why I look so interested..

   Do yourself a favor and stay off of a scale for at least a month! Trust me...

   Hates when he gets really comfortable in bed just to relize he left the over head light on and the switch is all the way across the room

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

   If normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?

   Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

   Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. ~Jane Wagner

   I you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

   Licking pu$sy is like playing with the mafia: one wrong move and your in deep sh*t.