Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

   hoping to be visited by the ghost of Christmas Past. That way I can go back gaze upon those great times.

   ✔ Food ✔ Beer ✔ More food ✔ Suit ✔ Laundry ✔ Wine ❒ Christmas Gifts ..... Damn

   If I had it my way my ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future would be Raquel Welch, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba.

   I'd don't cheat...I merely adjust the rules to my advantage as the game is being played.

   setting up a trap to capture Santa when he comes down my chimney tomorrow. I figure he will bring a hefty ransom from the world! Mmmmuuahhhaaha...

   When it comes to practicing the theory of "There are plenty fish in the sea", I tend to practice catch and release.

   One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!

   Peter Griffin is clearly half Irish and half Ballchinian.

   finding the Christmas spirit, now if only I can find someone who is in the giving mood to pay

   Crazy? I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me. Bugs? I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once...

   Don't you just hate when people put things in their status that you really didn't wanna know? I hate that. Anyways, I gotta go poop

   Ladies if you wanna get yo man a tie this Christmas thats fine...Just make sure you are wearing tie with nothing else on when you give it too him...

   Some women talk way too much. Sometimes I wish they can run out of minutes like cell phones. Her - "Let me tell you something else..." You - "Haha, You can only talk on nights and weekends now!"

   says Happy Christmas to all Canadians and Marry Hanukkah to my fellow Americans.

   And the Lord said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life..." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

   I wish people would understand I only sing when I'm drunk and that little shot of wine in church just doesn't cut it.

   Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles

   My son finally found out Santa isn't real, but he claims he heard footsteps on the roof the last couple years on Christmas. This year instead of leaving cookies and sleeping, he's going to sit on the roof with a shotgun.

   What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!