Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to find a website with all the WikiLeaks information just in case they also have Santa's naughty list!

   Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!

   I heard the weatherman say to watch out for "black Ice"...I think that terminology is terribly offensive...should be "Ice that you cannot see, ice" or "Watermelon ice"...

   When your ex says: "You'll never find someone like me" you are supposed to turn around and say: "God I sure hope not!!"

   Does not set out to shock or offend anyone, but also does not do anything to prevent it.

   Dear Santa, when your done writing the naughty list, can I get my lil black book back? Cheers Guv

   when you get pulled over for a D.U.I quickly pull off the lable off of the beer and stick it on ur forehead and tell the officer you havn't been drinking ur on the patch!"

   If one more person says "all I want for christmas is you" they are gonna get me... with a baseball bat

   Some relatives are like seeing Santa; you only care to see them once a year.

   doesn't think drinking will solve your problems... but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

   BREAKING NEWS: Rudolph commits suicide after Santa upgrades to GPS

   Using a stapler and duct tape sure makes wrapping presents easy....

   Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.

   To all the people that send those annoying Christmas chain text messages I HOPE YOU GET COAL THIS YEAR UNDER YOUR TREE!!!

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, It's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons. you wouldn't by chance have the phone number of your hot cousin Summer?

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   doesn't think that even Ferris Bueller could get him out of work tomorrow.. :-(

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.