Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures.

   Why do restaurants even offer Large drinks when your dining in..? Of course i'm not gonna pay an extra 90 cents for a large drink when I can just get refills on the smallest cup you guys have. Work on that.

   Time to "man up" and do my husbandly duty. Eating all of the left-overs out of the fridge. This stomach isn't going to grow itself!

   Am I the only one who wants to have a heart attack when they hear people making that irritating throat scratch sound in their throats.?

   Local girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday... Your middle name wouldn't be Ronny would it ,Jo?

   I never get mad enough to punch a hole in the wall, but my pillow, different story.

   When people hate on you, laugh at them, and then start making their voodoo dolls.!

   congratulates Chris CMac on discovering his stream of consciousness - lame Chris but at least you're thinking

   Dear Santa...Thank You for the response, but telling me to review my web browser history, wasn't what I meant! But, well played Santa...Well played...

   Why does it seem like I need a machete, a jack hammer, and Jaws of life nearby everytime I need to remove a childs toy from it's packaging

   Apparently, "You're a douchebag!" isn't what my boss had in mind when he asked, "So, what do you think?"...I guess honesty isn't always the best policy...

   saw a rather unattractive pregnant woman and thought, "Neat...Good for you."

   The women I work with must have the most disgusting bathrooms at home for that kind of smell to emanate right outside the "Ladies Room".

   Just saw an ambulance with paramedics in front of a psychic shop, I guess they didn't see that one coming!

   I'm convinced this formula is correct: big car stereo = small wiener

   Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.

   would rather be sodimized by two out of the three Jonas brothers, than listen to another Bieber song....It would be three out of three, but the one with the curly hair reminds me of a clown--I hate F@#king clowns...

   Met someone today named Ophelia Ball. Was I childish for giggling during encounter?

   Every year, grandma gets run over by a reindeer. I wonder if this year, if I left some extra cookies, Santa'd aim for my ex instead?

   If I look like I'm being bashful chances are I'm just trying to cover my nose, because when you talk I can smell your teeth dying.