Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I asked "How are you?" it was rhetorical.

   Do more than belong.. Participate! Do more than care.. Help! Do more than believe.. Trust! Do more than be fair.. Be kind! Do more than forgive.. Forget! Do more than dream.. Work! Life keeps going, be part of it..

   Hope that your Life is long and useful, Like a roll of toilet paper.

   Wife says to husband: "u make love like you decorate." Husband: "How, very slow and like a professional?" Wife:" Nope, I always have to finish the job myself."

   Cause nobody says, "Slow down, theres a security gaurd!"

   I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.

   Breaking news: Taliban fighters seen throwing down their weapons and running for the hills after USA repeals "Don't Ask Don't Tell".......

   My friend said he thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

   WISHES my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   Nothing brings out the worst in human nature like a crowded mall. :) I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!

   was surprised to receive a compliment about his VW Jetta today - especially at a Mazda/GM car dealership. The salesman said: "Well German engineering, you can't go wrong. I just can't believe they killed so many Jews. You have a Merry Christmas."

   finding himself saying "never eat soggy worms," to remeber my easts and wests

   thinks spell check is for the week

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   My Girlfriend told me to help her find a job that shows off her best qualities. I got her an application for Subway.

   If I had a dollar for everytime that I wished I had a dollar......

   Doin the same thing I do every night...Try to take over the world!

   Am I the only one that flips back and forth like a little kid when I discover 2 radio stations playing the same song?

   Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.

   Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing been complaining?