Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   #1 I am sorry to break this to you baby but you are not #1. you are not even #10. To be honest I don't think you even made the speed dial list! However, you will always be my favorite Grandma!

   Dear Oprah, thanks for clarifying you're not a lesbian. We were all wondering...

   of all the copyright infringements on youtube.....they leave Justin Beiber, Jermaine Dupris and Master P.....but they remove Bob Marley!! What's next....make weed illegal??

   Remembering things on my own makes me feel like I'm cheating on Google.

   I saw a poor old lady slip on the ice this morning and knock herself out......I assume she was poor cause she only had 48 cents in her purse!

   Just downloaded the new FIFA to his Laptop, tried to open the file and it said it was corrupt.

   working as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.

   If you thought the Vuvuzelas at South Africa were annoying, wait til you hear the automatic weapons the Russians bring to the World Cup.

   Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.

   can't believe he got sacked from the calendar factory...All he did was take a day off.

   Girls are like universities. he spend hours looking at them, only to realise he can't get into any of them.

   loves selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know him ...he's already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.

   Trapped in a mine in New Zealand... Shouldn't be too bad. ...If you can avoid the orcs, trolls and the gigantic Balrog.

   This job thing is for the birds, how does one go about signing up for the welfare?

   I upgraded...am I supposed to feeel differntly?

   I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.

   I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a d!ckhead, but you'll get used to it"

   If you always do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always got.

   Every Christmas Eve my family tries to break the record of number of people stuffed into one kitchen.

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.