Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.

   Turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs.

   Just so we're clear: I know we agreed not to purchase gifts for each other this year, but you weren't serious. :)

   This Christmas I'm going to surround the fireplace with bubblewrap so I can catch that Santa and ask him why he never got me that pony when I was little and see how he is going to make it up to me or I will hold Rudolph hostage.

   wow it's R. Kelly cold out there! And by R. Kelly cold, I mean "in the teens"

   noticed a recent increase in former girlfriends on FB that are now married. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. But with the divorce rate in this country I should be getting some nice rebound sex sooner rather than later.

   This afternoon after work, I plan to take my talents down to the bar

   bad in all the good ways.

   I make, picking up my dry cleaning, look like a drug deal. That way people always wonder what I am laundering!

   23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.

   about to do something awesome, again, but she told herself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   RIP to all the snowmen who died fighting the sun

   never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

   Once they learn how to prevent pizza rolls from exploding out molten hot lava, then I'll believe in the ability if science.

   A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

   A woman woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!' 'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'

   Why are the women in maxipad commercials always wearing white pants? Don't they realize it's after labor day?

   Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

   Look, if we get caught, just act like we don't speak English. Ok?