Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been cancelled.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.

   They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   My coworker is making love to her lunch, or at least that's what it sounds like.

   Plan A: Marry hot girl Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook Plan C: Ramen Noodles.

   The only thing more awkward than buying condoms would be returning them.

   I hate dealing with the "middle man" so Wednesday, please hurry and go away and let me see your Boss Friday... Thanks!

   Really not sure it Kinect for X-Box is the greatest idea for a society who already has a problem with laziness. If you want to use your entire body to play sports...then just play sports!

   ...put on your Yarmulke! here comes Hannukah! it's so fun-nukkah to celebrate Hannukah!

   to all the grandparents that told your kids I hope your kids are as bad as you... well played!

   Buy condoms or play with yourself ! World Aids Day 2010

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   You're always told to “Wear something bright at night” on the TV and in magazines. Last night when I went to the shop, I wore a white hat, white coat and white trousers – I got hit by a f-kin snow plough!

   I'm about to overdose on Christmas music...

   Panhandling is so much easier with a red bucket and a bell.

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   Dear lunatic boyracer in the souped-up, loud BMW.. If you want to kill yourself by driving like an imbecile on icy roads kindly do this at 4am where you are very unlikely to take an innocent person with you.