Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   ... Well, I guess we now know what happens when social media is your only source of thought and conscience devoid of any common sense!

   There should be a sign at every red light that reads "Selfie Center and Facebook check in area" .... you know, just to make it official.

   OH there's nothing quite as funny as poster's tossing insults instead of comic relief....

   I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.

   A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss

   Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.

   At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee

   I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.

   Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

   I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

   1977: stayin’ alive 2020: stayin’ alive

   I've been all across this nation Traveled by train, plane, bus and car And I've never met one person that makes zzz sounds when they sleep

   Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?