Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

   Sorry I followed your minivan for thirty miles. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ended.

   For a song called " piano man" dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up

   At what point did Cardi B think to herself, "I'm tired of this life, I should try to be a singer," while she was dancing around the stripper pole?

   Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.

   I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.

   I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

   What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   The only thing that scares me about this whole election is the Sunday drivers out on a Tuesday.

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   I'm not very good at human interaction. Would you mind leaving the room & texting me about this? Thanks.

   My wife didn't appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.

   The key to an unhealthy relationship is being with me.

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.

   Facebook is comprised of psych0s. 49% make you think that their lives are the most perfect thing ever, and the other 49% make you think that their lives are the worst thing ever. The other 2% are you n' me.

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.