Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

   what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

   Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

   I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

   Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

   Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

   Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.

   I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.

   The only thing that scares me about this whole election is the Sunday drivers out on a Tuesday.

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   The person that thinks they're always right is the one person you want to be always wrong

   I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.

   This bottle of wine mixed with Adele blasting through my headphones probably means I'll be crying on the bathroom floor sooner than later.

   Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.