Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reece's Peanut Butter C Cups. Someone get to work on this. Now.

   Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

   In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.

   The big movies right now in theaters are Robocop, Endless Love, and About Last Night. I feel like it's the end of the 80s all over again.

   Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.

   I am sorry I wasn't being completely honest when I said I was normal.

   There is a special place in hell for idiots who bring babies to the movie house.

   It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.

   I didn't know how badly we're losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.

   A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   says Happy Friday @ 5:00 pm! If an ice cold, tall, 22 ounce Miller Lite is wrong, I dont wanna be right...

   I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

   Words of wisdom: Never turn on your windshield washer, going 60 mph, and your sun roof open. Unless you want to wake the kids in the back seat.

   I once was on a diet for a month and lost 30 days

   I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.

   Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

   It's not that the elderly drive badly. It's just that they're the only ones with the time to do the speed limit.