Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee is my favorite coworker,,

   I love how my parents think that none of this is their fault.

   I thought the Mayweather-Pacquio fight was big unti just now when my wife opened the cable bill and saw I paid $100 to watch it.

   Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.

   98% of the heat fans just opted out too.

   Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again.

   I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   You can always count on the sperm bank to take the load off of your hands.

   Dear Girls : No Need To Do Anything For Halloween … Just Remove The Makeup And Go To The Party

   I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.

   The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.

   What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.

   I deserve to be important to someone......... I've spent too much time showing the wrong people they are important to me.

   You'd think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.

   Her phone display is brighter than her future.

   The other idiots at the interview didn't stand a chance, I wore 4 ties.

   The best part of the Grammys is not watching them.

   My bicycle lets you know that I am economical and environmentally responsible. The streamers on the handlebars let you know that I party hard