Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want whatever drugs make sign twirlers tolerate their jobs for more than 9 seconds.

   Every time you refresh your timeline less than 5 minutes after checking it, it should say "Maybe you should try making friends"

   There are a few people I'd like to go to bed with but I can't think of a single person I'd like to wake up with. Too honest?

   Dilemma: The person next to you needs the heimlich maneuver but you have an erection

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

   My clothes are so old they were made in the U.S.A.

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself hot girl.

   There's nothing louder than a guy who's losing at something.

   If you play dumb to attract men, ask yourself why you want a man that likes dumb women.

   Ignoring me is not a punishment. If you want to punish me, tell me about your day. And withhold the booze.

   There are no winners when corned beef and cabbage farts are involved.

   WARNING TO YOUNG BOYS: Axe is NOT a substitute for a bath/shower.

   I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!

   Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?

   Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f themselves is PRICELESS...!

   Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.

   Diamonds are women's best friends. Little shiny rocks are their best friends. This is the kind of crazy men have to deal with.

   I'm sorry your internet boyfriend cheated on you. I hope your husband will dry your tears.

   Most people need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to drink.