Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best things about celebrating the holiday with family as you get older is the kids table now contains alcohol.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   Some of us are truly living and others are just struggling not to die.

   My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...

   My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

   You completed your online degree with a 3.5 and no one will hire you? Shocking...

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.

   It's weird how you can listen to a song, and it brings you back to a time and place you want to forget. Yet you miss it at the same time.

   To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.

   Happy Thursday to all my married friends.

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long.

   Facebook: A place where someone will send you endless invites to play games, but won't invite you to their party.

   Seemed to cruel to get my dog fixed. So instead I got him a really crappy haircut. And now he can't even get a date.

   Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don’t, raise your standards.

   To really scare Kim Jon Umm the U.S. should station a Carnival cruise ship off the sea of North Korea

   I'm not really anti abortion, I'm more pro stupid people not having babies...

   I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving

   How about we put Sandusky and the Colorado shooter in the same cell, and turn out the lights?

   Sometimes relationships last longer when facebook doesn't know about them.