Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not fat, I'm just kidnap resistant.

   Today's Kama Sutra position is The Underpaid Employee. It involves bending over backwards for the boss while kissing his a*s at the same time

   The day my status says "in a relationship" check for flying pigs. k?

   I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives ME dirty looks for listening to everything they say.

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   If you're really curious whether or not you're ugly, just tell a co-worker of the opposite sex that their ass looks really hot when they wear those pants. If he/she reports you for sexual harassment, there's your answser.

   I'm in love with my bed. But my alarm clock won't let us be together.

   there is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, who finally break up on facebook

   I guess the truth really does hurt. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle when the seat's missing, but it hurts.

   Internet killed the video store

   I think the only people that can use a disposable razor and NOT cut themselves are people that have been to prison!

   Facebook has been down for 2 hours. The apocalypse has begun.

   Party like you will never be invited to another!

   Deleting my browser history almost makes me feel like I never cyberstalked you in the first place

   Apparently America has a very difficult time understanding and differentiating between the simple terms "Legal" and "Illegal."

   Just build the wall on the Mexican side and call it foreign aid.

   I never thought I would be one of those people who get up early to hit the gym every day. I was right.

   I can't watch Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars. Whenever they swing her around the dance floor, I'm scared more babies will fly out!