Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   was looking for a date on Craigs list only to find out that "420 friendly" did not stand for maximum weight limit.

   It dosen't mtetar in waht oredr the lettres in a wrod are. The olny imtorpant thnig is taht the frist and lsat leettr be in the rhgit palce. The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can stlil raed it wihtout peoblrm.

   Why hasn't Sears made a riding vacuum cleaner?

   had many people walk into her life and made it great. She has had many people walk out of her life and made it f*cking fantastic!!!

   Drinking, smoking and fatty foods are taking too long to kill me. I had to fall in love again to speed-up the process.

   A recent study conducted by UCLA just discovered that doing just about anything increases your risk of death.

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   Call me immature ONE more time, and you'll no longer be invited to help me build a kick-butt couch cushion fort.

   When I die, I want my Coroner's report to say.. death by mischief

   an apple a day will keep the doctor away; so will the lack of health insurance.

   ...back in the 80's my mom would scold me and say "Don't use that tone of voice with me young lady!"....I just texted my 15-year old son and said "Don't use exclamation points with me Mister!"...my have times changed!

   thinking about eating right, exercising, and quitting all my bad habits. But then I would attract too much attention, and frankly, I like my privacy.

   We're banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it's okay to hump, and it's okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.

   you know, i've only ever been wrong once in my life, and that's when I thought I was wrong but was actually right.

   sure now that after Mark Zuckerberg (founder of Facebook) was just announced as the youngest billionaire on Forbe's list, his mom doesn't tell him he's spending too much time on Facebook.

   There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim

   Tropical Storm, hurrican Alex, is expected to hit the Gulf of Mexico today/tomorrow. They're saying it may interfer with the cleanup from Bp's oil spill. That's too bad: because it's been going so well.

   I need a credit card that can afford my lifestyle.

   thinks there should be a Facebook button that says "I liked your status until every man and his dog decided to comment on it".