Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sleep? Must be nice!

   Dan Snyder finally agreed that the name Washington Redskins is offensive, so from now on they'll be known simply as the Redskins.

   I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   Can we just give China $20,000,000,000,000 in Kohl's Cash and call it even?

   Keep Calm,, and stop coming up with different ways to end that phrase.

   If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

   I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.

   BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise"

   I Was just involved in a 'Canadian standoff....' (we were each holding the door open, insisting the other go first)

   Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...

   According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you're an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.

   Breaking weather news! Winter storm Juno finally landed and was quickly deflated as it passed over New England.

   I hope NBC replaces Brian Williams with Ron Burgandy.

   And as I opened the box it dawned on me. It wasn't the hamburger that needed help, it was me...

   Ladies, if you are wondering if the guy in line behind you is staring at your ass, ask yourself one question, "Do I have an ass?" If your answer is yes, then yes.

   One thing awesome about my childhood was being able to play with a 'toy' gun without the authorities getting involved.

   According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.