Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   today's weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss...

   My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

   Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business again.

   I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.

   New Yorkers get such a bad rap for being rude. I was visiting relatives in Manhattan, and some guy walked up to me and asked, "Excuse me,can you tell me how to get to the Empire State Building, or should I just go f**k myself?"

   it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It's just that I know what both parents look like they're gonna need it

   “Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..

   "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." - Steve Jobs

   Constantly comparing your old relationship to your new relationship is a quick way to find yourself single again.

   There's always that one person who makes you wanna raise your middle finger every time they speak to you

   Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

   May your friends respect you, your troubles neglect you, your family protect you, and negativity not affect you.

   very surprised at the number of my family members actually willing to admit they are related to me.

   If I had Morgan Freeman's voice I would sit in a corner and talk to myself for days.

   They dropped megatron into the ocean...and we all know how that went.

   I just started an online dating site for Siamese twins....It's called "Connect 4!"

   if you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.

   "Don't let something that doesn't matter cost you something that does"

   Diet tip: If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.

   Unwritten Facebook rule #5 : If that person isn't in the photo, don't tag them.