Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I hate that heart attack moment when you miss a step on the stairs. It makes you cherrish life there for a moment. 
-Grandpa, how the World War III started?- Well kid, one day the FBI closed MegaUpload and MegaVideo, then...
Imodium AD: When you need to get your sh!t together.
Fast replies make me feel like you actually want to talk to me. But slow replies make me think you're talking to someone better.
When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in.
Remember when we were kids and we were in such a rush to grow up and become adults? Boy, was that stupid.
I am really getting tired of everytime I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO
Right now in houses across the Nation, parents are trying to explain to their kids where their college funds went.
Facebook is slowly evolving into Myspace. Remember how you could post pictures and signs on Myspace well that's pretty much all that I see anymore. We all know what happened to Myspace. That's right no one uses it anymore. Just sayin
I'm not desperate because i'm single, i'm single because i'm not desperate.
99% of my socks are single and you don't see them crying about it.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.
Had one too many lastnight! Woke up to my neighbor mowing his lawn! .....I don't care, I am not moving! He's just going to have to mow around me!!!
Respect old people: they graduated highschool without google or wikipedia.
Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you.
I hate it when people call me as I'm about to use my phone and I accidentally answer it.
It's funny when my wife gives me the 'silent treatment'. Because she thinks it's a punishment.
If you put a ";)"face in a text message, I automatically assume your dtf. 