Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Homer Simpson were a Democratic Congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)"

   Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, passwords, credit cards, life, soul......

   Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!

   CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.

   My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

   Every time my girlfriend sees me naked, she sighs. Doesn't she know that sighs matters?

   Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

   Thanks to Facebook I met everyone's mother today

   Actually, Jon Bon Jovi, it's Courtney that gave 'Love' a bad name

   Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair??? I haven't seen that much photoshop since a Lord of the Rings movie.

   Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?

   Instead of buying all my kids' school supplies, I just bought a Staples store. Saved like four grand.

   Stop fcukin whining about being alone and lower your standards like the rest of us

   After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   My favorite Disney princess is now Princess Leia.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips