Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

   I appreciate the police escort, but shouldn't they be in front of me?

   Am I the only one that thinks Gobbler's Knob sounds like a dirty movie title?

   If we live more than 200 miles apart, I will always mark "not attending" on every invite you send me unless I get at least a month's notice. Please keep this in mind when you send out your invites.

   Lucky = A man who is a woman's 1st love. Luckier = A woman who is a man's last love.

   Plagiarism saves time.

   I'm at the wedding, you guys just can't see me because I've got one of those weird hats on.

   Well darn , looks like William and Kate are not registered at Walmart . Looks like I won't be able to get them that 48 pack of Orville Redenbacher

   Just took this personality test, and it said. "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   So glad we finally got Bin Laden! It's taken so long to kill him that iPhone was about to come out with an app for that!

   wondering if anyone's considered the possibility that the Mayan calender ends on 12/21/2012 not because it's the end of the world but because they just couldn't be bothered to add any more pages to it?

   It's Been A Tough Few Years For The Ocean, we've had the oil spill, the Japan radiation, and now "Hey! Mind if we put Bin Laden there too?!"

   Air freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just took a dump.

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Every time I see you text/type "lyk dis" instead of like this, I assume you were that kid that went to the restroom and didn't come back until the end of Spelling and English class.

   Don't you know it's rude to talk while I'm interrupting?

   Don't think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success.

   Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting.

   young at heart..... other parts slightly older.. and broken!

   hates people who feel like the "12 items or less" sign at the supermarket doesnt apply to them