Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having kids is a lot like living in a frat house. Everythings sticky and your not quite sure why...

   Today feels like a pull the fire alarm kinda day.

   The saddest part in The Lion King 3D is that part when I can't afford a movie ticket at 27 years old.

   Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please take them off.

   I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply.

   Get ready for a thousand Gaddafi jokes *yawn*

   Friends are forever, until they are in relationship.

   concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

   It's all fun and games til they open up the trunk...

   Why does the day after payday feel just like the day before payday???

   I am tired of being an adult... Can't I just play all day!?

   Thats the last time I order cheap printer cartridges from yemen.......

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   On a scale of 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 how OCD are you?

   Don't you find those people who keep updating how many days to christmas annoying? Anyway it's 37 days to christmas.

   If you worry about all the bridges you burn in life, you will never get across the river.

   I am obsessed with Morgan Freeman's voice. I want him to narrate my inner monologue.

   Life was so simple back when we didn't need a Username and a Password.

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.