Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   •Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair.

   How come if you eat two cookies you gain 3 lbs. Then when you take a major dump, you don't lose anything?

   How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

   Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.

   "Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead

   My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.

   Usually, the one you want, is the one you can't have.

   The best time to give kids advice is when they're still young enough to believe you.

   If the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

   Considering I'm still sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you all may want to chose someone else to take advice from today!

   If coffee or booze can't fix it, then it's a serious problem.

   They say money doesn't buy happiness, so I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone and test out that theory for $100,000,000. I promise to document any frowning while paragliding, jet skiing, driving a Lambo or flying in my G5

   Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.

   Whenever I see a group of girls talking I just barge in and say "he is such an a$$hole" and just like that, I'm part of the group.

   Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.

   If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.

   Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."

   Someone on FB called me a clown. Now I've got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that's what clowns do.

   If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.

   I will climb the highest mountain. Swim the deepest sea. I will cross the desert land. I would do anything to get away from you.