Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.

   Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.

   I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!

   Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

   I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook It's much clearer now

   After spending any time on social media you can understand why they need to write "Do Not Eat" on silica packets.

   To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

   The downside of fame? I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately getting harassed and hounded by a waiter holding the bill.

   I'm pretty sure my inability to take things seriously, will one day get me murdered.

   There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.

   Common Sense, So rare it's kinda like a super power.

   When someone says: "We can still be friends" what they really mean is: "I'm not interested. Here's a consolation prize for all those wasted years."

   Dear HBO, thanks so much for the porn every night, sincerely, kids everywhere

   You know its a sad epidemic when"MILFS" are now considered "Barely Legal" in the porn industry..

   Snooki's pregnant? Wow, that's gotta be tough. I don't think they even make balloons with "Congratulations! It's a Cocaine Addict!" on them.

   Went to a different bar thinking I wouldn't see anyone I knew and have a quiet drink. Everybody from my AA meeting was there.

   My "I hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face. I'll have to work on that.