Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its not a hangover - its wine flu.

   So much sh!t comes out your mouth that your a$$ is jealous

   4 things you can't recover: The stone..after the throw. The word..after it's said. The occasion..after it's missed. The time..after it's gone.

   My body is not my temple... It's more like a bar and grill...

   just realized that Twilight is about Bella's dilemma between bestiality and necrophilia.

   A good friend will take you to the hospital if you fall into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.

   suggests that you do the following: go to google, type "google wont" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"

   Since July 2008, three of the four Golden Girls have died. That leaves only one: Betty White -beloved entertainer or calculated killer?

   Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.

   Why does war exist, why do we hate, and who keeps making these Martin Lawrence movies? Big Mommas House 3? Three? WTF

   a really bad case of the fuckits today!

   not all men are fools, some are bachelors

   I'm not Bipolar-I don't even like bears

   you should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.

   likes being vague, because it's almost as fun as doing this other thing.

   Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

   Not sure why my bill collector keep trippin and askin for their money...I mean as long as I owe yall money you will alwayz have a job...Hell you should be callin to thank me cuz I'm your job security....

   convinced there is NO functional family. Every family has a relative they would prefer to keep kidden. If you think your family doesn't have one...it's YOU.

   I have come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.