Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s as$ would look better in those shorts.

   I think instead of "LOL"....Im gonna go with "SALTS" (Smiled a little then stopped). Its more truthful

   I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

   wondering who left the bag of idiots open.

   what would the world be like if everyone went back to their own country?

   Sometimes, I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween and handed out candy..........

   "A lion attacks a bull of eats him in just a few minutes.When he is done he lets out a loud roar.while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instatly.Moral of the story:when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!!

   wondering what ever happened to the hole in the ozone layer, did global warming heat it shut?

   Apple admits it used underage kids to make iPhones, iPods and Mac computers. All I've got to say is...DAMN fine job, kids.

   Ask your doctor if "Shutting the Hell Up" is right for you.

   it considered cheating if you have to kiss your boss' ass?

   Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving facebook emails after a weekend of drinking that says "you have been tagged in a photo"

   Why I walk funny: 10% I'm injured 90% Trying to unstick my balls from my leg.

   I just saw a guy getting head in a phone booth. I couldn't believe it what I was seeing...I haven't seen a phone booth in years!

   If your apartment is hit by a dolphin DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OK. That's just how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

   Hunters, you shouldn't wear camo you should dress like cars. Deer will walk toward you and hope you kill them.

   Throwing dollar bills at overweight strippers is my version of cow-tipping

   When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change.

   I don't mind if you play hard to get, as long as you don't play hard to get rid of.