Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

   Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"

   Now it's too hot out to take the Christmas lights down.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

   This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.

   I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

   Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

   Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?

   to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car

   The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off

   Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?

   I cannot believe all of these people are out! -Me when I’m out

   Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.