Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   I don't need to see 48 pictures of the vehicle you just bought. It's a used Sonata. Relax.

   Craigslist has just shut down their adult services section. Looks like the "used futon for sale" ads are about to get a lot more interesting

   Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.........

   thinking what is this world coming too?... I started to Google "Is it wrong", when Google started to fill in the suggested searches... Ah... well.... disturbing

   Likes it in the kitchen... where it belongs

   Without the proper bra support, I run like Tyrannosaurus Rex.

   Thanks facebook, I'm really getting the hang of stalking now!

   It's very easy to sacrifice for a friends whats really hard is to find a friend who deserve it

   Hates when people come inside her work when its nice out and says "It's so nice out too nice to be inside!" Thanks I couldn't tell it was too nice to be working, guess that big yellow thing in sky isn't a lemon!!!!!

   wish every relationship i've been in had a 30 day money back guarantee!

   note to self: even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal. o_o

   there is a midget in line in front of me at the Walgreens. He has a bag of pork rinds and a box of condoms...my question...which one do you think was the impulse buy?

   Where did Macaulay Culkin get the cardboard people for the party in Home Alone? Don't tell me you haven't also wondered this from time to time.

   got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

   Don't talk about yourself so much in front of some friends... they do it when you leave

   My new years resolution is act like I am interested in your new years resolution

   Does anyone find themselves singing hollaback girl anytime they need to spell the word bananas?

   if you're on a dating site and put that your "not looking for anything serious" in your profile why not be honest and just say "l need to get laid!"