Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine”

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL

   I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.

   Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him!

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

   If I was Obama, I would have made my speech entrance by pushing a wheelbarrow with Bin Laden's body in it, dumped it on the ground and said, "We got him." That would've been bad-ass!

   popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $4. watchng ur frends bite into a caramel onion thinkin its an apple: priceless.

   Hey Facebook...if its not broke, don't fix it!! The new photo viewer sucks!

   Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   When a package says "Easy open" I end up using a knife, scissors, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   Just saw a bumper sticker that said Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive. Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.

   I have Big Boobs, I am amazing at Call of Duty, and I can make a really good sandwich, Unfortunately I am a guy...

   Ghetto word of the day: Bishop. My girlfriend fell down, so I pick the bishop.

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake and I like it :-)

   Ah the warm feeling when you see your ex has gotten fat.

   If you and your best friend don't have at least one night in your past that you vow to never discuss, you're not best friends.