Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

   There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

   I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".

   Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

   At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.

   Someone just called me NORMAL......I have never been so insulted in my life....

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work

   I HAVE SEEN MORE of tiger woods on facebook today than him on the pga tour in years

   Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch. The ones sold individually are much nicer.

   Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls

   When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us. And you know what else? When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us.

   Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren't as cute as donkeys.

   If every day is a gift, today was socks.

   "Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.

   I wonder how long it took for the Playmates to realize that Hugh's Viagra had worn off and rigor mortis had set in...

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   United States population: 323.1 million. Trinidad and Tobago population: 1.3 million. And they just eliminated us from the World Cup.

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.