Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   May is National Procrastination Awareness Month.

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space.

   I always know what to say... It's the when and where to say it that I struggle with.

   It's 100° with an under-boob index of 110°.

   I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.

   Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.

   I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.

   typed this status with his toes.

   I just saw a commercial for Oprah's Farewell Season. I think I may jump for joy!!

   Rarely does one meet a ferret owner that isn't really creepy and weird

   lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

   need advice on how to make a paper cut to the jugular look like an accident.

   Logging off Facebook is like trying to get away from the bar. It's always, "I'll just have one more..."

   ˙ɹǝʌoƃuɐɥ ʇsɹoʍ ǝɥʇ sɐɥ

   Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe, I'll have another beer.

   not really rude, she just says what everybody else is thinking.

   Due to the current economy....I will no longer accept a penny for my thoughts. I want $1 for them now.

   The voices in my head have switched to sign language just to mess with me.

   anything more annoying then a stupid person who clearly doesn't know they are stupid!?