Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the next time I screw up bad I'll say "well at least I didnt predict the end of mankind and nothing happened"

   After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.

   When I'm drunk, my phone should say "are you sure you want to send this text?"

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?

   Don't keep telling yourself, "I deserve better" and continue to date worse.

   High Heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.

   watched waterworld last nite, why was kevin costner and everyone so dirty when the entire world was covered in water?

   Maybe the people that say money can't buy happiness are just buying the wrong stuff?

   wishes that my brain would autocorrect words before they leave my mouth.

   since it's the thought that counts.. I'll keep thinking about exercising.

   saw a naked man running down his road. I rolled down the car window and asked "hey why are you running stark naked " to which the naked man replied "because you are home early....."

   I'm canadian and I want to say to America, Hey I love you guys, but seriously, you gotta take Jersey Shore off the air! You guys work on that and we'll see what we can do about Nickleback and Justin Beiber.

   Ladies, it's not that there are no good men out there. It's just that you turned down 6 of em that wanted a chance to treat you right and you chose the a$$hole.

   Last time I was at the hospital lab they asked for a urine sample. I said " No more samples! Either you buy it or you don't! I can't just go giving away free samples every time I come here."

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.

   I began to slip this morning while going to my car but turned it into a fantastic Moonwalk instead. I got skillz!

   in the words of the chef on the muppet show - "Orshky Borshky Chicken!"

   lives with fear everyday. Sometimes she lets him go fishing....

   The people at MapQuest must think everyone is an idiot. Is it really necessary to start the directions with how to get out of your own driveway?

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"