Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything. 
If you think 7 years of bad luck are to much for breaking a mirror.. Try breaking a condom
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch.
Mayor Bloomberg is going to outlaw large sodas. Good to know that New York City is officially out of legitimate problems to deal with.
It's so hot outside, Our hummingbirds are demanding red gatorade!
Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?
I hate it when my boss calls my name and I automatically think "What the hell did I do now?"
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? IDK, I have Direct TV!
80% of my conversations with others occur inside my head.
Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.
Middle age is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
I went to Web MD to look up my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep. Thanks a lot Web MD!
Do they sell Alphabet Soup in China?
If reincarnation were real, I'd like to come back as a stomach virus, so I could say that I truly give a sh!t….
I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.
Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in a while.
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "HOLY $HIT... WHAT A RIDE!"
If you want to make enemies, go and try to change something. If you already have enemies, good! It means you've stood up for something sometime in your life.
R.I.P. "Macho Man" Randy Savage. I'll do a flying elbow drop from the foot of the bed to salute you!
The only place that the rapture happened was on myspace. 