Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy: I have Covid. Girl: Oh, you mean a mild cold? Guy: What, I can't milk this? Girl: Um... no.

   My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.

   Of the last four Presidents, guess which two were never on Epstein's jet?

   Everyone keeps saying John Cena tapped out. How do they know? You can’t see him!

   I still have the Wooden Nickels I collected as a kid. I was an early investor in Birchcoin.

   Things I hate: Gross pay - $2,257. Net pay - $1,138.

   I wonder if the police let Luigi Mangione finish his Happy Meal...

   Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

   Tried using AI to create art. Now I have a picture of a horse with three legs and a coffee addiction. Modern tech is amazing!

   Of course Hamas has rejected the United States offers. Because he's a terrible negotiator. He's laughed at by most of the planet and no one respects him because he's such a goof.

   Musk should buy Barnes & Noble so R*t*rdlicans would start to read. He should also buy Pfizer so the R*t*rdlicans can finally start satisfying their cousins lmao

   BREAKING NEWS: DONALD T DRAWS MASSIVE CROWDS ------ of people who hate his f*cking guts 🤡

   Marriage tip: Always keep your spouse as the center on your phone. That way, whenever you need some encouragement, you can look at your phone and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to this person for so long, I can get through anything".

   it just me or do you think there's something terribly wrong with YouTube playing a 30 second commercial from their sponsor before watching a How to operate a fire extinguisher during an emergency video?

   There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those losers has decided to become Batman

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire Sauce?

   Can we please stop the spin the wheel crap when visiting a website already?

   Screwed around and used all my sick days. Now I gotta call in dead.