Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you wake up in the yard with no clothes on and you can't remember anything that happened, you are either a werewolf or you're in college.

   Listening to your problems

   Come on be funny again

   The moment you think I'm stupid, I've already outsmarted you.

   My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.

   White trash go to the movies Just for the trailers

   I miss the days before there was facebook when running into a friend you hadn't seen in while was like "Oh my God! what have you been up to?!" thats now like "Hey, I saw the casserole you posted last night, looked great"

   We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

   On the internet, you have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than a trip to WebMD!

   I love Instagram... or as it should be called, "Insecure Bimbos With Daddy Issues and No Self-Respect."

   So, USAID gave Egypt $6million to develop tourism. It's obviously a pyramid scheme.

   I wonder if any of my calls were ever used for training or quality assurance.

   A teenage cannibal came home one afternoon after football practice and his Dad said, "You're late. Everybody's already eaten."

   Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

   Hey! Where's the TDS afflicted loudmouth been?

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to social media?

   Tony Bennett passed away. I heard he donated his organs.He left his heart to San Francisco!

   In the life, there is no Ctrl+Z

   I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.

   Tomorrow is December 1st.... The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning now till Christmas Eve!