Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   I just read an article where a study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 on a dating site, received 156% more emails than the under $50,000 ones. On a related note, my income is now $250,000. Your move ladies.....

   Wanted: A fat, drunk Doctor who smokes and feels my lifestyle is acceptable

   BET AWARDS MAYHEM - this happens every time these people get together. No, I don't mean b lack people, I mean silly rap ''artists''.

   Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

   At the end of each day I ask myself, "Where's my damn Oscar for that?"

   If I had boobs, I'd never be able to look up again.

   I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.

   So when is the next end of the world???

   Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7.

   I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.

   If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

   Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.

   Patriot, AR-15, Liberty, Taliban, Gun Rights, Tea Party, Terrorist, Religious Freedom. Oh, never mind me. I'm just stirring the pot with the NSA for when they monitor my Facebook account.

   I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing.

   Why is it that the Troubleshooting sections of user manuals address every problem except the one you are having?

   "Nothing but Ben Affleck/Batman crap. Why the hell am I even here??" -NSA guy

   I got a little over-aggressive on the trampoline so my 2 year old should be landing in a couple of minutes.