Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem is not that OBESITY runs in the family.The problem is that NOBODY runs in the family

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   The best stories ever told always end with the words"...and then I got the hell out of there."

   I hate those þènîs enhancement emails. I got 10 today. Eight of them were from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mom that really hurt my feelings.

   I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I've taken today's gummy vitamins.

   I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.

   My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien. Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   A person automatically becomes ten times more attractive when you find out they like you!!!

   Hey, I have an idea. Instead of complaining about your auto-correct every day, how about going into your settings & turning it off?

   I will name him George and I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him !!

   I wish there was a "roll my eyes" button on Facebook.

   You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

   on dec 21st all the power companies should shut off the power for 10 minutes just to make people flip out

   Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.

   Don't get out of bed, it's a trap.

   Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.

   John Denver's “Rocky Mountain High” the new official song for the state of Colorado...

   So if you ever want to experience the closest thing to a zombie apocalypse, all you have to do is wait in line for Black Friday at your nearest Wal-Mart...

   The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!

   I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.