Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why when the best actors are chosen by actors it is called the Oscars, but when the best actors are chosen by regular people it is called an election.

   A lot of peeps these days have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

   drinks too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-shirts at the Gap right now.

   There's something incredibly beautiful about a woman that doesn't realize she's incredibly beautiful.

   If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you

   I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.

   According to my nipples, summer is over

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do

   When two confused strangers come together they call it love, and when they fully know and understand each other, they call it breakup.

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   Some people need to learn that the right to remain silent pertains to posting on Facebook too.

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   “Final Destination 5" well, looks like someone needs to look up the meaning of the word "FINAL"

   My wife is leaving me because she says I always make stupid comparisons. I feel like a balloon in a glove box..