Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....

   I know inside me there's a skinny person wanting to get out. What bothers me is that it's the entire cast of America's Next Top Model in here.

   I’m on that ”I don’t give a F ...K diet.” I’ve lost 10 a holes already.

   [Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added "ski" to the end of the words... I knowski.

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   making my world famous caramel onions to sit outside the door of a empty apartment so that way kids wont get pissed off at me when they bite into a onion instead of a caramel apple hehehe Happy Halloween

   I think I read somewhere that there will be no farting in heaven, but I bet it's still a really cool place ツ

   Great just great...my wife left the seat warmer on in the car now I have to walk around with swamp butt

   Relationships? No, I prefer alcohol and pizza.

   anyone else suck on a POLO mint as long as you can without breaking the circle? and then feel gutted when you do?

   does the illuminati celebrate their birthday on Facebook?

   heard the illuminati were accepting resume

   Feeling pretty bad right now for the boyfriends whose girlfriends are on their period today. #HappyValentinesDay

   It doesn't matter who wins the Presidency. The entire world's zeitgeist (the spirit of the age) is going through a tumultuous change, and no man or group possesses the power to affect it.

   I run into more potential dates at thrift stores, yard sales and estate sales than I do at the bar. In a way it kinda makes sense. I'm like a used piece of furniture from the past. I've been used but I'm still good as new.

   When I was younger, I thought July 4th was celebrated because of the film Independence Day....I was so wrong.

   Been sitting in front of the TV with my hotdogs trying to roast them and after 45 minutes they're still cold. This fire place channel sucks!.

   I try to tell the children that the intertube is NOT just about porn and cursing at strangers in comment sections - it also has a dark side.

   I have a painful bulging vein on my thigh. It's an overactive thigh-roid.

   Post George Carlin quotes...crickets. Post Saget quotes...a ticker tape parade ensues.