Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.

   Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.

   “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

   "Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man." All races are asssssshooole equally.

   I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   I've been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea what the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button is for

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   Great Black Friday deal!!! : Sleep..... $0

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"

   go search google for let it snow. very cool effect.

   My girlfriend has this sick sexual fetish of trying to cuddle with me after sex.

   I have some bad news and a Justin Bierber CD. Which one would you like to hear first ?

   How I view dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Poodle, Pitbull, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat.