Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woke up with a sore neck. It seems my memory foam has amnesia.

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!

   Tone Loc accused of domestic violence???...gonna be gettin' served that Funky Cold Subpoena...

   Fellas, There is a direct correlation between the size of the mega-spoiler on your car and the unlikelihood of your getting laid.

   BREAKING NEWS: NFL owners and players are meeting today to determine whether I'll have to spend Sundays with my family this fall...

   Not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   watching Jersey shore can cause herpes of the eyes.

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to walk away from, and some I would love to punch in the face

   The only thing worse than the truth are the lies that are told to cover it up.

   Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.

   Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

   I think my memory must be made up of at least 90% song lyrics...

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.

   i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant

   "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking me if I have a pulse.

   Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?

   A mouth with a sharp tongue will cut its own throat