Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.

   I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.

   Women are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

   My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.

   I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

   This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

   Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

   Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   The average age of the viewing audience of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is probably 35-45 years old.

   Ugh,,, This oatmeal tastes like It's gonna need a donut.

   I've learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.

   To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

   The Olympics start tomorrow...or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal

   Sorry I said "at least it's healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.

   My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.