Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Hillary wins, all public government announcements will begin with: Ladies, Gentlemen and Trannies....

   CNN has confirmed the intercepted communication was a call to a brothel ordering a young lady willing to pee on an old man. The John was unnamed, but everyone could tell who it was.

   Donald Trump claims to only be 236 pounds. His pot belly, turkey neck and jowls plead the fifth.

   Algebra is proof that humans create their own problems and then cry.

   I wouldnt want to live in the s**thole even if it was called Hati

   Was thinking about ordering P90X, but I just had to take a knee midway through pouring a glass of sweet tea, so maybe I'll just go lie down instead.

   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

   words of wisdom: a woman will ALWAYS have the last words in any/all argument(s) ... anything said after that, is the beginning of a new argument...

   Watch out. It's Monday. You'll probably step in some gum.

   Got down from my car to beat up the guy who took my parking space then I realized he's a UFC fighter so I said "does your car need washing?"

   Found the pot at the end of the rainbow and I smoked it........

   I don't always make sense but when I do idont

   No, it's not OK to call him "tardy", but if he does it again it's OK to call him a "re-tard".

   My dating profile: "Doc. 36. I hate long walks on the beach. I like alphaghetti and buttplay." Good, right?

   What's Rick Ross's wost nightmare? Dying from breast cancer.

   Its not cheating if I wasn't feeling like myself that night right?

   Z.T.Z.I. = Zero Tolerance for Zero Intelligence

   ...I see no need to flaunt My individual sense of personal and social identity based on my attraction as a Heterosexual male..(",)

   NEWS FLASH: Dodgers announce opening-day promotion: first 1000 fans get a set of "HIV & HER" bathroom towels

   And on this day, high-fructose corn syrup rose again, in fulfillment of the scriptures. And there was childhood obesity. And it was good.