Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I had more middle fingers.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   Note to Self: when going on the first date, must make sure that both parties have the same understanding of what "eating out " means.

   It's going to be really funny watching 2012 in 2013.

   just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

   thinking...Am I the only one that finds it ironic that President Obama waited to interrupt network TV on Osama Bin Ladens death right before Donald Trump was about to fire someone on "The Celebrity Apprentice"?

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   It's not a mood if your always in it... Then it's just your personality.

   I don't even have ex's, I have y's, as in why in the hell did I even mess with that.

   Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.

   If ur the type of guy who is embarrassed to pick up tampons for ur girlfriend, well live through just one "I'm late" false alarm buddy & the next time you will be skipping down the grocery aisle waving them over your head and shouting, "I've got tampons!"

   Yes,I talk to myself..Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself..and the makeup sex is awesome.

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.