Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...

   A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...

   this status has been made from 90% recycled status posts. Just doing my part to keep Facebook Clean and clutter Free.

   Oh lord, give me patience and inner peace because if you give me strength, I might just punch somebody in the face.

   If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.

   Has that kid in the Dreamworks logo even caught a single fish yet?

   Congress just passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another....In other words, my trip out of town for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

   The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.

   Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.

   Facebook reminds me daily how moving out of my hometown was a great idea

   so.... I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits....Okay....a booklet....FINE....a sticky note then....Whatever....

   video game logic: Everyone worse than me is a noob. Everyone better than me has no life

   Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.

   When we start seeing our posts used by comedians...It's time to band together and sue!

   What so sad is when you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

   Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out

   I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.

   Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight.

   I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.

   Facebook buys Instagram for $1B! A website that makes people better looking. They probably could have bought Smirnoff for half of that.