Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.

   Stand up for what is right, even if you're standing alone.

   Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I've even said anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an a$$hole. It probably isn't.

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in.

   79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the homeless.

   I've given up jogging for GOOD! I realized it was hazardous to my health after my thighs rubbed together so much my underwear caught on fire!

   #192.168.1.1 I'm only friends with you because you're too stupid to secure your router ;)

   When you and your significant other is having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen.

   If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

   Type 'things I did last night' into google and hit the I'm feeling lucky button

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   You've been backstabbed, rejected, unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, tricked, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, heartbroken, defeated, and said NO to all your life...Did it kill you? Of course not...just made you stronger. USE IT.

   Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   - LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose

   Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.

   A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!

   has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities.

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."