Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Mayans are now on the clock

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   I've never seen that tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   I really dont get the need for these giant 24 hour combination superstores. I have never in the middle of the night decided I just had to have a chainsaw, bicycle helmet and whipped cream.... wait... I take that back....

   When I was a kid, I used to think that the moon followed my car

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!

   Girls cheat if there's something wrong with the relationship; guys cheat if there's an opportunity to get away with it.

   Brunette: what r you doing? Blonde: trying 2 commit suicide. Brunette: the rope goes around your neck, not your waist. Blonde: Tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

   going to be wearing an armor plated vest just in case Cupid gets any ideas.

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting

   I find it curious that Kermit sings about how hard it is being green but nothing about screwing a pig.

   People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

   Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.

   How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore

   The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

   If you left me alone with a monkey of average intelligence for half an hour, I could teach him to understand how a traffic merge works better than 70% of the human drivers on the road.