Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you'll still never get your own back.

   Ever notice that getting "suspended with pay" seems to only happen in government jobs

   It's Thanksgiving. Don't forget to set your scale forward 45 lbs. ahead.

   I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.

   It's not you.. It's me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.

   Pandora: *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* runs out of skips.. *changes station*

   I'm already an idiot, I just need a village

   People Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Ins tagram

   I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

   I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute

   Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...

   I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.

   You had me at "tubes tied"

   Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.

   Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.

   Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.

   thinks MTV should change its name to Empty V.

   I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   embarrassed himself at a funeral today - the shop didn't have any condolence cards left so he just bought a "Hope You'll Be Happy In Your New Home!" one instead.

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"