Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.

   Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don't let the balloon touch the floor"

   Your/You're, Then/Than, To/Two/Too, Who's/Whose, There/Their.... Please learn the difference kids.You're our future.

   Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?

   When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

   Gas diet: Get your paycheck... fill up your car and you have no money to buy food! Bam...you lose weight!

   The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you're talking to yourself..!!

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.

   I find it ironic that the Alzheimer's Association is sponsoring an event called "A Night To Remember".

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm kicking your ass!

   Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.

   Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.

   So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? Where are the T.V. Benefits with celebrities and musicians giving heart felt speeches on the poor fisherman, wildlife, beaches, loss of income and sabotaged gulf economy?

   When we were little, why were we so scared of our parents counting to three?

   Oldest woman, 114, dies. Her last words: "Who the f#*k is Justin Beiber?"

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   CRAP.... look who's online..LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT....."Hey whats up?..s***!!

   I think Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next and spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey.

   I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them