Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"

   Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.

   if your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche...

   Masturbation is great. It wakes you up, puts you to sleep, relieves stress, and the only person who judges if you're good at it is yourself

   My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.

   Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"

   Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.

   Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation,, even if I'm not sure what it means

   If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Kool Aid guy.

   The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

   I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

   It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.

   Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

   Eating a popsicle in front of the guy you're banging and eating a popsicle in front of your dad requires two totally different techniques.

   may the bridges I burn light my way...

   Why is a strike in bowling a good thing, but a strike in baseball is bad? I guess sports really do mirror real life...how you play the game all depends on the size of your balls.

   I drove by a yard sale today. I know this because they had a child standing out front holding a sign that read "Yard Sale". Apparently they couldn't afford a stick.

   Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?

   When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

   I wish these people would stop sending me job offers for 5k a month to sit at my computer at home and work... after I get that check from the nigerian lottery i'm not going to need a job! suckers ;)